Fading Away
by Chaos Infinity
Summary: Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest. Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers. Love, nightmarelike, lies heavy on my chest, and weaves itself into my midnight slumbers. Somewhere between life and death, Tonks still longs for Remus' love.
1. Breaking Point

It was dark, just before dinner time, and the knock on the door was completely unexpected. In fact, the quiet sound would have been missed altogether if Molly had not been listening carefully for Remus's quiet footsteps coming down the staircase of No. 12, Grimmauld Place. He was regaining his health slower than usual after the full moon. Her motherly instincts had reached out towards him so fast that had they been solid, there would have first been a huge _boom_ as it broke the speed of sound, then a flash as it broke the speed of light. than the speed of sound.

But right now that particular issue was tucked into the back of Molly's mind, as she wondered who could be coming so unexpectedly. The house was quiet, the only residents right then being herself, Arthur, Remus and Moody. Arthur was in the study, tinkering with a new muggle looking artefact he had discovered in the house, Moody was sitting in the kitchen and Remus still had not left his room. Molly paused slightly, waiting to see if Moody had heard the knock. When he made no move other than to take another sip from his hip flask, it was obvious that he had not.

"Alastor," Molly said, turning to him, "there's someone at the door." A crinkle appeared between the man's eyebrows, barely visible amongst all the other ridges that already resided there. His magical eye swivelled towards the door, and his other opened slightly in surprise as he noted that someone was, indeed, at the door and that Molly had noticed it, not him.

As Molly turned back to supervise her almost finished cooking, Alastor pushed himself up from his chair and limped towards the door with alternating clunks from his wooden foot and walking stick. A few moments later, the door swung open to reveal Tonks. Yet she was so changed, that it took him a few moments to recognise her now stick-thin figure and glazed eyes.

In the kitchen, Molly heard an exclamation, somebody speaking her own name in a weak voice, the thud of the door and footsteps. Clucking her tongue like the mother hen everybody looked upon her as, she turned with hands on hips to see who had come in and how much she could possibly feed them. As it happened, it was rather a lot.

One look at Tonks revealed that she had obviously not been paying any attention at all to food recently. Her skin was translucent, the veins underneath shining a dark blue. As of lately, her hair was a mousy brown, though it now looked lank and in need of a trim. It was very unusual to see Tonks unkempt – however strange or messy she had appeared before, she had never been outright neglectful.

"Tonks!" The word escaped Molly's lips, as she stared at the young woman's wide open eyes. They were the only part of Tonks that appeared alive any more, bright with a feverish glow. Tonks reached towards Molly with two arms so thin she could barely lift them up. Her legs wove and she swayed, and Molly had only a moment to wonder how on Earth she had made it to No. 12 without collapsing, before Tonks did exactly that. Mad-Eye only just managed to catch her one handed, and gave a small gasp. It had been a long time since he had tested his ability to make an abrupt U-turn at the waist. He may well have collapsed himself if Tonks hadn't weighed next to nothing.

Breaking the speed of light again, Molly hurled herself towards them and put Tonks onto a chair before Mad-Eye could blink. Standing up again shakily, he saw Molly bending over Tonks, her cooking now completely forgotten. In the few seconds then, Molly knew there was something seriously wrong. While she did not consider Tonks quite capable of consciously starving herself, she could easily believe her capable of simply forgetting to eat. It had obviously occurred too, Tonks was nothing more than skin and bone and glowing eyes. Her dry lips opened desperately and Molly leant in to catch her words.

"He's destroying me, Molly… I don't want to live like this, I can't live like this…" Tonks' words were barely out of her mouth before Molly wrapped her arms around her and swore that she would make Remus would stop his ridiculous nonsense, if it was the last thing she did.

"It's all right, dear," Molly whispered back while making comforting noises, "just hold on." Letting go of her, she returned to the just ready stew, quickly ladled some of it into a bowl and put it in front of Tonks with a spoon. Tonks' eyes were fixed on seemingly nothing, until Molly's concerned face appeared in her line of vision again with a large spoonful of stew. She shook her head impatiently, and immediately regretted the action as her head spun dizzily. This was not the time for food – it had not been food time for a long time, in fact – this was time to make her understand. Catching her breath, she continued in a weak, strained voice, ignoring the spoon Molly was waving at her nose.

"He can't love me, Molly, you were wrong… If you'd only seen his face on that night…" A few tears prickled at the back of Tonks' eyes then, making them even brighter. "He doesn't want me any more, even as a friend. He never liked me, I was just fooling with myself. But I can't stop it still, I love him… so much. And he'll never want me. I've thought it over and over, and I can't stop loving him still… So the pain will never go away until I die. Which might be not be so far away any more, Molly… I can feel it coming."

For Molly, the final line had been crossed.

"REMUS! COME HERE!" Her voice echoed in the kitchen, through the house, and undoubtedly in his room as well. She was angry, she was almost mad with her anger. If only that man could see what he'd done to Tonks, perhaps he would stop fooling himself with the three reasons which, right now, felt like the three silliest reasons in existence to Molly Weasley. Her anger increased her senses to an almost drunken state, and through the angry haze of red she comprehended sounds which were his steps descending the stairs at an agitated pace.

Remus did not know what was wrong, but whatever it was that could make her screech his name like that, it was not good. Yet the longer she waited until she saw him, the angrier she would be. So he pushed away his tiredness, his weakness and his pain, and joined Arthur Weasley as they both rushed down the stairs towards the kitchen. Arthur knew that if his wife was really angry, there was not much he could do about it. But nevertheless, he felt like he had to be there, as always.

In the few moments before he entered the room, Remus tried to think of what could have made her so angry. What had happened? Up in his room moping, he had not taken much of the outside world in, and did not know that somebody had come in. If he did, his thoughts may have taken a very different turn, but he did not and so was left wondering if there was something she found incredibly offensive in his keeping a small collection of chocolate bars in a drawer. Her cooking was unparalleled, yes, but sometimes the boost he needed was something he could only get from chocolate. His mind wrapt around those thoughts, travelling in circles, until he opened the door to the kitchen. And cried out in shock.

Remus caught none of her words, but the sight of Tonks lolling, semiconscious and as thin as a stick, on a chair, his heart gave a painful wrench. The sight actually physically hurt him so much that he couldn't help taking a step backwards. What was wrong? He could not possibly have done something like that, could he? Or perhaps he could… With more painful back flips from his heart, he tried to recall their last conversation, which had ended with her running from him, screeching her fury at the night stars and sobbing so hard he thought she would collapse.

A small cough behind him reminded Remus of where he was – standing in the doorway of the kitchen, and preventing Arthur, behind him, both sight and entry to what was inside. Reluctantly, he walked in. Tonks did not turn from Molly; she didn't seem to be aware of anything else at all. Unfortunately, the same couldn't be said for Arthur's wife, who had looked at him with flashing eyes and swelled up like a bullfrog the moment the door opened. He took a few steps forward, then abruptly stopped when Tonks started speaking again. It seemed to take all her effort to shape these words, and he had a wild, erratic thought that these could be the last he would ever hear.

"Is it really worth it, Molly? I've tried to forget him, but I can't. Is life really worth it when the one person you want to spend it with obviously doesn't want to spend it with you?"

_It's not true! It's not true! I want to spend my whole life with you, to adore and love you always and keep you as my own… _But those words from Remus' heart died in his throat. Molly looked torn between anger and pain, but in the end settled for anger as Tonks was feeling enough pain for all of them combined. She took a deep breath in preparation of giving Remus a piece of her mind, and that was when Tonks seemed to become aware of the other three people in the room. Her eyes flickered to Moody, a seat away and also looking incensed.

Arthur took a slight step to the left, not being able to see much in the gap between Remus' head and shoulder, and Tonks turned at the sound. She saw Arthur, confusion written in the lines of his face, and the corner of her eye took in part of the man he now stood next to. So then, it was really him. From what she could see of the patched, thin robes hanging loosely off her shoulder, she knew it was him. She hadn't been imagining the deep, musky smell, or the prickling on the back of her neck. Turning her head as far as she could, she saw his face. And he saw hers. The hollows of her cheeks, almost exactly like Sirius's after Azkaban, the red puffy eyes she couldn't hide any more without her morphing skills, the thin dry lips and the scraggy hair. So different, yet still the same. Still Dora.

For a moment, everything became still as time stopped. Her dark eyes looked into his light ones. He suddenly had a wordless taste of the pain she felt, of the dreams she had which held her in place until she woke, and then reverted to again when her weakness kicked in, of the countless days that had slipped by in the semiconscious state she had been permanently stuck in.

She felt the self loathing he had been filled with at her hurt, the emptiness he was too afraid to fill in case it became empty again, the well of tears that he had not let out and so was drowning in, on the inside. Their moment of understanding was like a stab in the heart for both of them, a stab like the many that had preceded it but the one which finally tipped them both over the edge.

Molly, about to begin her tirade, cried out in alarm instead as Tonks suddenly slipped sideways from the chair, lucidity finally leaving her completely. Mad-Eye caught hold of a hand before she fell to the floor and used it to pull her upright again. Remus stumbled forward, trying to hold himself up on a chair, but failed. The last thing he felt was Arthur's arms closing around him as he, too, lost consciousness.


	2. Guilt

**A/N**: Sorry about the ridiculously long time it took to update this. Don't own the puppy or the pink fluzz.

**Nymphadora85**: thanks! I was feeling slightly odd when I wrote the first chapter, actually.

**slightly so**: great point you're making there. Most of my stories start when I think "Well, what if..."

**Elf771**: glad you liked it. Though you've probably forgotten about it now, after a 4 week break :)

**crazy14**: yeah. Usually, I don't take this long to update...

**Moonbugg**: w00tness. Finally have the new chapter! I always intended to make this a nice, long, serious thing, but 10 Things was just so much more fun to write

**dolphinz87**: thank you very much. Compliments make us pink and fluzzy on the inside )

* * *

**_Guilt_**

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Two weeks of being Mollycoddled by Molly (i.e. being stuffed with food at every given opportunity) against two weeks of almost no food at all meant that when Remus woke a few hours afterwards, Tonks had not opened her eyes or given any sign that she was about to do so. He sat up on his bed and buried his head in his hands as everything drifted through his mind again. 

What did Tonks see in him? They had basically nothing in common apart from a love of chocolate and a hate of the Dark Arts. He was old, poor and dangerous with no sign that his downward spiral into oblivion was going to stop or even slow, while she was a high flyer who had a very promising life ahead. What on earth did she see in a man with grey hair and a tea habit?

"Ah, Remus, you're awake. Good, good…" Arthur's orange head was joined by the rest of his body and he walked towards the bed. "Umm… Tonks hasn't woken yet, but Molly and Alastor are with her in case she wakes." A blink and then his words registered. Tonks had starved herself. Tonks had fainted. Tonks had not woken up. For the first time in many years, Remus had to actively suppress an impulse to swear and curse and throw his pillow around.

Arthur continued speaking, "If you're wanting anything to eat, there's plenty of food downstairs… We'll call when Tonks wakes, if you like." Remus wondered there whether he was actually barred from seeing Dora, or even entering her room. A small flash of anger uncoiled from the pit of his stomach, scarlet and crimson with fury, before fading away. Because it always did, because that was who he was. Remus Lupin, the mild, polite man who dressed in shabby robes and looked older than his years.

Nodding at Arthur, he swung himself out of the bed and stood up. He was still fully dressed, in the robes he had been wearing before. Arthur was still looking at him expectantly, and he realised that Molly had probably ordered Arthur to take him down to the kitchen and feed him. No doubt none of them had eaten properly, and at the very least it would be rude of him to mope in his room and deprive Arthur of his dinner.

Remus' theory was proved right when Arthur followed him down the stairs. The silence between them was not the usual comfortable one indicating they really had no need to discuss anything. It was a tense, quivering one balancing between tempers and tears, where neither of them wanted very much to broach the subject in question. Finally, almost at the basement kitchen, Arthur swallowed and plunged forward.

"Molly wants to take Tonks to St. Mungo's." This simple statement burned Remus' ears. He distinctly remembered that the only other time he knew her to have gone there was after the fight at the Ministry of Magic. Was it that serious? Molly was well known for being overly protective and motherly, but even she preferred to do the coddling at home, leaving St. Mungo's for the incidents which chocolate, healing spells and love couldn't cure. Despite Tonks' pathetic, draggled state, he had never thought she would need anything beyond those three. Knowing he wouldn't like the answer but still wanting to know, he asked, "Why?"

The question seemed to put Arthur onto firmer ground. He had obviously heard it from Molly's lips so many times that he immediately replied. "She won't wake up. Molly and Mad-Eye have tried all that they could think of, but she hasn't responded to any of it. But she is talking and mumbling a bit though, so maybe it's just a normal sleep that's a bit overdue…" The tone of Arthur's voice left no doubt in Remus' mind that he didn't believe it at all. And neither did he, come to think of it. "What has shggrr-" Remus coughed to clear his throat, it having unexpectedly clogged up.

"Do you know what she has been saying?" Curiosity and dread had wrestled inside Remus' brain. When curiosity finally won, he asked the question. Dread quickly took over as soon as the words left his lips, taking on the form of Molly Weasley as an avenging angel standing over Tonks' body. Arthur broke him free from the morbid train of thought he had been following, and proved that no news was worse than bad news.

"I actually have no idea whatsoever, I've only seen her once and then Molly told me to watch over you and take you down to get some food as soon as you wake up." The image of avenging Molly became, if anything, more vivid. Remus swallowed, not feeling even remotely hungry when he and Arthur sat down at the already set kitchen table. By the looks of things, Arthur was feeling somewhat the same, chasing his peas across his plate the way his sons did.

A step-clunk, step-clunk sound announced Mad-Eye going down the staircase. After some moments, the kitchen door swung open and he stood in the doorframe. Despite being a good head taller than the man, Remus felt quite intimidated by the ex-Auror's expression. "Want any food, Alastor?" Arthur asked half-heartedly. Mad-Eye made a _hmph_ kind of sound before sitting down at the table across from Remus.

"The girl's not moved since she fainted," Mad-Eye informed Arthur and Remus in a disgruntled tone, "and I've just owled Dumbledore. Thought he should know about one of his soldiers being _incapacitated_." The slow, deliberate way he said the last word, combined with a cutting glare at Remus, left no doubt as to whom he was blaming. "Molly says that you're allowed to see her." The look on his face showed that he thought very differently.

Ignoring his imagination, which was now displaying a moving diagram of Mad-Eye advancing on him menacingly, Remus nodded and hurried out of the kitchen. He spent more time standing longer outside the guest bedroom's door than going up the two flights of stairs, before finally summoning up enough willpower to knock softly. The brush of hard wood against his knuckles gave him a fleeting anchor of reality, but faded when the door opened.

Molly, with too-red eyes and thin lips, looked at Remus with exasperation and distress battling for control of her features. After giving him a curt nod, she retreated to the bedside, but left the door open which he took as an invitation to follow. At the sound of the door clicking shut, a lump under the sheets gave a slight quiver, and Molly instantly bent over to inspect Tonks.

Standing awkwardly next to Molly, Remus couldn't help but notice how little a dent Tonks made under the sheets, the thin neck where every sinew stood out and a painfully pinched face. Molly too seemed to have diminished in size, creases rarely seen lining her face. He spoke as quietly as he could, but the sound still seemed to echo onerously through the velvet and tapestry draped room.

"Molly," Remus said gently, "you should go downstairs and get some food. Arthur's… waiting for you." That wasn't precisely true, but the man would no doubt be glad to see his wife. To his surprise, Molly didn't argue. For a moment, she looked at him with a piercing gaze, then opened her mouth as if to say something. But she closed it, swallowed and sniffed, before tucking in the sheets around Tonks' shrunken body one last time and hurrying out of the room.

Alone in the room, somehow Remus felt even more awkward than before. He could not look at the wasted face, now so reminiscent of Sirius', without the knife of guilt twisting ever deeper into his gut. Yet he could not draw his eyes away from her, or think of anything else. Somehow, he had never thought his words would affect her the way it had. He had tried to stop her in her tracks, for what he considered was her sake. But if anybody could have told him that this was the way it would turn out…

"I'm sorry," Remus whispered to her prone body. Brushing a lank lock of hair off her forehead, he stepped back and gazed at her through bloodshot eyes, hands deep in threadbare coat pockets. "I'm so sorry, Nymphadora."


End file.
